I am in a vortex of obligation.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
