1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
