if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
