i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
