my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
time to smoke my breakfast
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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