WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
