The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
