Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
