I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
