youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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