I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
