I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
