Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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