My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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