I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
