the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
