He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
