I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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