I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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