You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
