I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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