A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
