I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
