My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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