We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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