My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
