i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Randomize
