do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
