I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
