now i know why i became what i already was.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
