i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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