How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
