Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
