I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
