checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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