This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
