You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
