watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
