By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
