so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
