I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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