I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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