he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
