I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
