I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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