what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
