Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
