you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
