just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
