every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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